Growing

We tell our children that growing can be painful, in many ways. I have come to realize that it is true even for us grown ups. When we grow past .. well our past.. above our insecurities.. over the moutain of fear, self doubt.. past letting go of, hurts, lost love, misunderstandings, and situations we can not control.. I have found it is during this time of growth when I know somthen good will eventually take place... but wow ok GOD hello it kida hurts... Sometimes it is hard for me to admit my faults to well PUBLIC knowledge as I am sure it is for all of us.. Reason being you get tired of having the facts of your life mixed with peoples fiction in their heads of what they think you are.. Do we really have the right to control someone elses life when infact we have none over our own ultimitaly? I find this journy I am on towards heaven filled with so many wonderful things when I can keep my sole focus on The Master... It is when I get distracted, start looking around in child like curiosity, I seem to come to a sudden STOP in my emotions and get well stumped.. I will never understand why, sometimes.. I know it is not our place to know all the WHY's??!!! I admit I still ask.. I think one of THE MOST single painful experience of my adult life was in letting go and moving past peoples oppinions. That is hard, and I really doubt if you are honest, I am the only one. It happens when we least expect it. This can be caused by many rasons, new relationships( not knowing how the other person will take you) and I honestly believe if you list every reason it all boils down to one commen denomenator.. HURT.. Somewhere along the way you were wounded so badly it cut you to your soul.. That pain can sometimes be so hard to move past.. No not everyone will understand and this is no fault to them.. they were blessed to not endure such an experience.. To those of us who have.. you know what I am talking about....

I usually like to look at life with a silver lining NO MATTER WHAT the current situation is.. that is how GOD made me.. but it is a challange to keep that outlook when on almost every corner you turn there are *situations* that are there to break you... I never wanted to believe my husband or many other wise friends along the way who would tell me to just let go and back away from those things that could drag me down. That is hard for a *peace keeper* like me. Yes beleive it or not I HATE conflict... can I handle it? Sure and have had more than my share of it and never backed down.. I think because I am who I am... I have finally worn down... I now see where it would be wise of me to refrain from those relationships that cause more harm than good.. That is so hard for me to understand because.. well I am a christian.. are we not called to love everyone? even the hard to love? I came to the place where on the alter it went, left in the safe keeping and much